You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
