i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
