I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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