apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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