We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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