your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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