When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
