Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
