Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
