So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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