Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my being single is dangerous.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
