You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
