Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
