Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
