I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
