Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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