The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just found a bag of teeth...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
