the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
