I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
