I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
