I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just pee around me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Randomize
