I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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