He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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