I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
