Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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