I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
