Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
