i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
