I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
