I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Hippo gnu deer
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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