she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
