Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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