I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
this hospital has no fireball
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
