My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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