The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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