Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
