i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
