imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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