i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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