Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
