We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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