fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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