I have demons in me.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
