WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I love you.
Bad choice
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
