It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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