Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
