textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
