I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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