Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
