he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
