I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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