Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
