Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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