I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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